Season 2, Episode 34 – Aftermath, Before Biology | Red vs. Blue

Season 2, Episode 34 – Aftermath, Before Biology | Red vs. Blue

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Vic: Paging Dr. Dude to the radio, stat! I need twenty CCs of what the hell’s going on there, dude. Doc: Ugh. What happened? Vic: Hey, you tell me, dude. One minute we’re talking about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children. Not very cool, dude. Doc: Jeez, did I really? I’m sorry. Something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird beeping, honking- beeping, honking-
Vic: Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don’t got any kids anyway. Vic: Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don’t got any kids anyway. Doc: What? Vic: Old Vic’s been through the snip and stitch. Doc: I don’t- Vic: If you know what I mean. Doc: I don’t wanna hear about that. Vic: Winky-Blinky the one-eyed Sergeant’s firing blanks. Doc: That’s weird. Vic: If you get me. Doc: Look- Vic: Via Con Dios of the Vas Deferens. Doc: Yeah alright, I- enough, I get you. Vic: I mean a vasectomy, dude. Doc: Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Vic: Roger that. What did you find? Doc: It’s… it’s like a… it’s like a thing. Vic: It’s like a thing. Okay, dude. Thank you for the update. I’ll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff. Doc: Sorry, I’m- Vic: Move to Defcon 1. Doc: I’m just a little dazed. It’s a big thing. It-it’s purple. It’s uh, it’s a big purple thing. Vic: Use your words, dude. Doc: Look, I don’t know. It looks like some kinda alien artifact. Do the aliens have, like, a home base or something here? Vic: I don’t know, dude, why don’t I just consult my Extra Terrestrial Travel Guide for ya. Oh, look! Got a great series of alien bed and breakfasts there. Lucky you.
Doc: Never mind. I’ll just figure it out myself. Vic: Nothin’ about big purple things, though. Maybe it’s some kind of alien vehicle. Doc: Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I’m gonna tell him to go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks. Oh, I really shouldn’t talk like that, that’s not very nice. O’Malley: If I ever meet him, I’m taking his eyes as souvenirs. Doc: Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. Time for yoga! Church: How’s Sheila doing? Tucker: I’m not gonna lie, it’s not looking pretty. She may have twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage. Could be a disk. Church: You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, do you? Tucker: Yeeeeah, no. Not a clue. Church: What about Tex? Any sign of her? Tucker: No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that? Church: When we were dating, she would sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys or to spend money that she’d taken out of my wallet. And since I don’t have any money, and… well, no offense to you, Tucker, but… Tucker: You’re a dick. [groaning] Sarge: Grif, don’t try to move too much. You’ve been through quite the ordeal. Grif: Oh, man. Where am I? Donut: Hush, now. Shhhh, shhh shhh shhh shhhhhh. It was really touch-and-go there for a while, good buddy. But I did it. I pulled you through. Grif: How long was I out? Sarge: Don’t you worry. Nurse Donut here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keepin’ you company. Grif: My right hand? Donut: Your left. Grif: Note to self: Cut off left hand. Sarge: Technically speaking, it’s not really your left hand. Grif: Say what? Sarge: I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of HooHoos and bacon-flavored marshmallows. Grif: Wait, which body parts? Sarge: Well, let’s see. We had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank… Grif: Huh? Donut: Yeah, we couldn’t really find an anatomy book. Sarge: made a left turn at the spare rib…
Donut: Yeah, we couldn’t really find an anatomy book. Sarge: made a left turn at the spare rib…
Donut: But we did find one of those pictures with the cow and the dotted lines all over it. Donut: But we did find one of those pictures with the cow and the dotted lines all over it. Sarge: then up and over the porter house…
Donut: But we did find one of those pictures with the cow and the dotted lines all over it. Sarge: then up and over the porterhouse… Donut: I think it did the trick. Sarge: and of course the brisket… Grif: Wait.
Sarge: And the hocks. Sarge: Oh, the hocks!
Grif: Wait, where did you get the replacement parts? Sarge: Why, from our other subject, of course. Simmons: Subject, my cyborg ass. Grif: No way. Simmons: Yeah, I’m real happy about this myself, numbnuts. Sarge: Yep, those too. Simmons: Did I get your lips? Sarge: Prairie oysters… Grif: Cause maybe then I’ll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge’s ass.
Sarge: the gristle. Sarge: And the ass. Grif: What the hell. Sarge: Saucy bits. Grif: What didn’t I get? Sarge: We pretty much replaced all the internal organs and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Simmons’ spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation and esprit de corps. Grif: This doesn’t seem physically possible. Sarge: Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake n’ bake! Donut: And I helped! Simmons: Hello, everyone. Now that we have our own YouTube channel, I’ve taken the liberty of reorganizing everything for a streamlined viewing experience. Just hit “Subscribe” to put it to use. Grif: You’re supposed to convince them to subscribe, not put them to sleep! You loser! Simmons: [sigh] I hate him so much.

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